Consequences of choices made.

I made the decision to get up at 5.31am instead of the usual 6.03am. I wanted to avoid people, who are invariably going out earlier as the weather gets warmer. But instead of avoiding people I saw more than usual. People walking dogs, people jogging, people cycling… people everywhere!

I pulled up in the car park and let the hounds loose… five of them in total (not all mine, just in case you were wondering!). Just behind us was a chap with a gsd… I hurried to get the pack out of the way, and chose to take a different route over the fields.

I headed straight to the woods, thinking that I could traipse the fields after the woods. Just inside the woods we saw a woman with her dog, and in order to avoid contact I decided to walk the woods widdershins. The woman decided to do the same.

Within minutes all five dogs had disappeared, not unusual in the woods. But they usually bark at squirrels so I know where they are, on this particular day they were all silent. I looked and shouted as I stomped along the path, eventually spotting one of my boys through the trees. I pushed my way through the undergrowth, mindful of the nettles, and headed towards my dog.

All the pack were there… so was a dead deer 😦 They were all nompsing on bits, the younger two managed to pull the main deer into two pieces. One ran off with the top half, the other with the bottom. After lots of coaxing and lead use I managed to get four of five dogs away from the carcass. The fifth dog was nowhere to be seen.

I took the four dogs out into the field (easier said than done, it actually took three attempts!) and sat in the grass calling for the fifth dog. Just as I was about to give up and head back into the woods she appeared… her belly twice it’s usual size.

I eventually arrived back home almost three hours after setting off that morning. And it was all because of the choices I made that morning… going out earlier, choosing a different route, walking widdershins instead of deosil around the woods…

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Online dating

So I joined two online dating sites, just to test the waters. Within seconds of joining I was inundated with messages saying someone liked me, someone wanted to meet me, someone added me to their favourites, someone had messaged me.

I freaked out and haven’t been back since…

Going a bit more crazy

I think I’m going a bit crazier every day as I try to find somewhere to live.

No pets. Only one dog allowed. No DSS. Nothing on the council list, unless my dogs are assistance dogs… I class them as assistance dogs! It feels like I’m blocked no matter which way I turn.

Meanwhile I continue to live in one room in a house with the kitchen falling apart and the bathroom painted cerise to cover up the mould. I continue to live with a woman who is constantly talking or singing while all I want is quiet. I continue to spend my days and nights sitting or laying in bed, watching something on Netflix or playing Fallout 4.

And the noise in my head becomes louder and I want to scream to let it out. But I don’t. Screaming would scare my dogs.

Love isn’t what you think it is.

My heart, I used to think of it as a fragile thing. Easily broken, hard to mend. I built up walls to protect it, to protect myself. But I got lost behind the walls.

There is no perfect love, no knight in shining armour. I have given up on the search for ‘the one’. I thought I’d given up on love.

But I learned that no one loves you the same as you love them… that no one loves the same full stop. That what I need to do is to accept the love that’s offered, and if it’s not acceptable then to walk away. That love shouldn’t mean obsession and losing your soul, it shouldn’t feel like your heart is being ripped from your chest. I learned that unrequited love isn’t the end of the world.

I learned that my heart is strong, despite being easily broken. I learned that the walls don’t protect me from anything, they prevent me from everything.

I’ve learned about love, maybe too late.

Empathy

I always thought that I was empathetic. I had no idea I wasn’t until I got the results of a test and I asked my best friend about it.

My best friend has known me for over 25 years, so I guess she knows me pretty well. I told her about the test results and that I was shocked. She told me that I tend to react to how things affect me first, that my first thought is of the impact upon my life.

It’s upsetting to hear that. It makes me sound selfish and self absorbed. It makes me feel like I’m not a very nice person. But I’ve caught myself doing it, so I know it’s true.

 

Drunk texting

For me it goes much further than drunk texting. I also drunk blog, drunk comment on blogs, drunk post on social networking sites, drunk message on messaging apps, drunk post on a personals page… and I forget that I’ve done it. It always comes as a shock when I find the post/text/comment.

Why do I think I have something important or profound or amusing to say when I’m pissed? It’s usually nonsense … and I usually cringe at my drunken blurb.

Thank dog that mobile phones and the internet weren’t around when I was in my early 20’s! I dread to think what I would have posted.

I see dead animals

No matter where I look, if there’s a blob, a hump, a mound at the roadside, I see dead things. The last turned out to be a poo bag.

I turned to my friend and I wished that I was an old hippy who saw moon dust, fairy sprinkles and rainbows. Anything is surely better than seeing the innocent killed at the roadside.

I wished sometimes that I saw dead people 😉

Relationship vs Play Partner/friends with benefits

A friend has said a couple of times that I should look for a relationship. I disagree. Although I’m not sure that another play partner will be right for me either. I’m ready for neither at the moment, it takes me time to move on. I think maybe, once I’m ready, something somewhere in between would be better. Is that possible?

You see a 24/7 thing isn’t what I want, I have no desire to live with someone (even if I love them). But I want to be comfortable with being able to touch and kiss the person (not just during sex) when I’m with them, and I found that difficult within a play partnership. Mainly because it was a new situation and I didn’t know the rules. I have difficulty working out the rules… it’s better if someone can enlighten me 🙂

Are there people out there who want the something in between? Does everyone think that moving in together at some point is inevitable? (If so, I’m doomed!) But surely there are a few people my age (ish) who are happy within their own space and would be happy with a relationship without the need to live together and do the 24/7 thing? I can’t see me being the only one!

I guess, once I’m ready to look, I’ll find out 🙂