Self loathing

Last night I turned back the clocks about 25 years. I hacked at myself like I did in my 20’s. I was full of self loathing … I’m still full of self loathing, perhaps even more now. Today’s self loathing is a quiet thing… last night’s was raging. I’ll be staying away from drinking for a while… and hoping that the new meds kick in sooner rather than later


Happy Halloween

Okay, okay, so I’m a day late. Unusual for me, I’m usually early for everything. And this is one of my favourite times of the year!

This time last year I was struggling with ASC, depression and anxiety. I remember taking my friend to see ‘I, Daniel Blake’ for her birthday (which falls today, happy birthday babesk!). I cried all the way there, throughout most of the film, and for part of the journey home. Yay, happy birthday babe. Sorry I brought you down!

This year I’m struggling with ASC,  depression and anxiety – for a change! I haven’t cried on anyone, but I am close to tears. I haven’t been anywhere with anyone, although I almost engaged in kinkyliciousness last night. (It was cancelled, or postponed, and I started to feel poorly sick and badly wi’ it… not because of said cancellation/ postponement, I hasten to add!). But it didn’t happen… I continued to exist and then halloween was over.

I bought a pumpkin to carve… I postponed the carving, first due to the proposed kinkyliciousness, and then because I was feeling ill. So I made a soup from said pumpkin… go me, my first cooking in months and months! I’ve been living on crisp sandwiches, or toast, or frozen pizza. My friend has been kind enough to drop off the occasional food parcel of veggie chilli or soup.

I’ve been struggling with sleep, with my meds and with living. I’ve been struggling with the processes and red tape people like me have to deal with every day. I’m not winning, I’m not even sure I’m making progress, but I am still here… just.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds, my pessimism leads me to believe more of the same shit. It’s been the same shit for most of my life. The red tape is a new hurdle for me (when I say new, I mean a couple of years old) … I’d been struggling on without realising I could try to hurdle the tape to help me get my life together. Yay for red tape… you’ve added to the hurdles I must now jump.

I have no idea if the offered and cancelled (/postponed) kinkyliciousness will ever happen in the future. I’m pessimistic enough to think that the person who offered it will decide against it… mainly because I know he’s struggling too. (And not just with depression and anxiety, but also with vanilla or kink choices, girlfriend or fuck buddy choices… for those who don’t know me… I’m the kink /fuck buddy choice).

I have new meds and extra meds… I’m still struggling with sleep and the upset stomach. Yay. Plus I think I have man flu… yep, it really could be that serious! It really is all happening here!

So, to recap… ASC, depression, anxiety, no kinky sex, no jack-o-lantern, man flu, insomnia, upset stomach, and STILL ALIVE.

Happy belated Halloween peoples xxx

Fucked up… me, my day, and I.

I’ve had a fucked up day. I got my letter from cmht, the main content was of my assessment which was 60% wrong. My appointment with the psychy consultant isn’t until January. I tried to get an appointment to see my GP to get the meds the consultant recommended. The receptionist said that I couldn’t get a telephone consultation today so I asked to see my GP next week. No appointments next week, she said. I told her ok, forget about it and hung up.

I cried for ages. How can I get my head together if I can’t get any help? I tried to call my best friend several times but it just went to voice mail. I texted a different friend but got no reply. But he’s been kind of radio silent for a few days. When I’m struggling the first thing I do is reach out… I need someone to cling to, to stop me going over the edge. But if there’s no one there I shut down and think they can all just fuck off as I slip over the edge. 

It’s then that I really want to have it all end! That I know I can’t deal anymore. But my dogs! But my dogs! But my dogs! 

I went out, still in tears, to buy whisky and beers and a few other things. I managed not to totally break down again until I got back home. A short time later I got a call from my GP… she left me a message and I called back. I told her through my tears about everything, apologised for crying, told her that I was struggling. I’m picking up my new medication on Monday and I have an appointment on Friday.

My best friend tried to call me a little later. I ignored it. She tried again, I ignored it. We’ve texted since, so she knows I’m ok.

I’m now in bed. I’m having serious problems with my thoughts… I can’t share the full extent of my head fuck because I don’t want my friends to read it! But let’s just say that I’m paranoid as fuck. I’ve been in bed for an hour… it’ll be a while yet until I get to doze off and wake up and doze off and wake up etc etc etc. I just want to sleep!

About a week ago one of my friends said that we couldn’t have had a relationship because we were both crazy… maybe that’s true for some. But for me, I’m drawn to the crazy I see in others because I know that they’re more likely to understand a bit of my crazy. I need to have someone out there I can talk to when I’m just too crazy for myself.

I am

I am the dark mess that others try to sweep under the carpet. I’m the wailing banshee that tears at it’s own flesh. I am the voice in your head that teaches you how to despise what you have become. I’m the white noise which you try to ignore. I am the dirty little secrets that you keep. I’m the kinky muse that fuels your darkest fantasies. I am the flower that shrinks from the light. I’m the devil who would hold you close at night. I am a hair’s breadth away from a love that I fear I don’t deserve. I’m just a heartbeat away from beautiful death. 


Withdrawal, the early days, part 2

I’m well into my 3rd day without my antidepressants. If I move my head too fast I can feel my brain swishing inside my skull. The zings haven’t started yet but they don’t feel far away. There’s a kind of pressure building in my head, it’s a constant thing now.

I’ve heard that I’ll be seeing a psych consultant soon… not sure when. But this lot of meds should be well on their way to being out of my system by the time I get new ones.

That odd feeling

The one you get in your head, or at least I do in mine. It feels like one of those bendy blades that magicians use when sawing the woman in half, is stuck in my head. About an inch or two above my fringe line… I can feel it in there and someone is wobbling it around in my brain. It’s not painful, it just feels like something jiggling in there. It does kind of make me feel seasick…

Withdrawal…the early days

It’s been almost 3 months since I last had a proper sleep. I’d kill for a 3 hour sleep right now… I mean a solid, unbroken, 3 hour sleep! Instead I get an approximate broken 3 hours between the hours of 11pm and 2.30am (see barking mad posts etc for a more detailed description).

I’ve decided it’s my antidepressants. I decided that a while ago but I was too worried that the barking and the gut wrenching terror and panic would continue even if I quit the drugs. Which would of course mean it’s just me… I’m barking mad. And that might mean that I’ll never get to sleep a proper sleep again. I know I’m mad, but I think that would make me feel madder… hearing the dogs that live in your head barking and not be able to blame the drugs.

I stopped taking the antidepressants a couple of days ago because I just can’t continue on like this. (I know they advise you to do a slow withdrawal, cut down gradually, but I’ve not yet managed to do that!) My brain is starting to feel a bit odd, like it’s not my own, but the zings haven’t yet started. My brain often feels like it’s not my own… but this is a different kind of feeling.

I’m waiting for cmht to get back to me after an assessment last week… they’re going to tell me if they can help me. (I’m not sure what will happen if they can’t!) It’s taking so long to get anything done… this is why I started my withdrawal.

I’m not looking forward to the zinging. I don’t look forward to anything much these days. But I still have a glimmer of hope that I’ll be able to sleep one of these nights!


Grave Observations

As I meandered around the local cemetery with my dogs for our evening constitutional it struck me… it’s not the dead who haunt the living, but rather the living who haunt the dead.

This evening I saw a family of at least 4 generations at one grave. I saw a young boy cycling and smiling at the squirrels (he even paused to smile at me as I stumbled amongst the dead) before shouting in Polish (or some other language foreign to my ears) to his mother who was happily stepping amongst the gravestones collecting fir cones. I saw couples kissing on benches and people hurrying home in the wind, their coats pulled close.

The dead cannot be at rest whilst the living plague them with questions about the mundanaties of life. (I’m not actually sure if that’s a word, if it isn’t it should be!)

The living roam amongst the dead, tending graves; taking short cuts; selling drugs; walking dogs; talking to long dead or newly dead loved ones; sitting with lovers and kissing beneath autumn trees. We talk amongst ourselves, to the rotting bodies beneath the earth, to our dogs, to the birds and squirrels, to ourselves. We haunt the dead.