I meander around the local cemetery most evenings. I read the gravestones as my dogs stop to sniff. I like graves, I always have. I can spend hours wandering amongst the stones. My all time favourite graveyard is Pere Le Chaise in Paris, a place one could spend days in and never get bored.
But I do have a problem with epitaphs…
‘Fell asleep’ – I want to scratch it out and write Died!
‘Passed away’ – again, they Died!
‘Gone but not forgotten’ – most often seen on long neglected graves.
‘Forever resting in peace’ – they’re not resting, they’re dead.
‘Reunited in heaven’ – maybe they didn’t want to be reunited and, let’s face it, there isn’t a heaven.
I’ve planned my funeral songs but never thought of a gravestone, never considered leaving a stone to decay for some future generation to read and ponder as they meander amongst the stones.
Maybe my stone will read…
Died on this day (date). Gone and soon forgotten. If there’s a hell she’s probably writhing in its deepest pits and loving every minute.
My first priorities are my dogs. They were the first ones (as were the other two pooches in the car) to enter my brain during a recent accident. Swiftly followed by my best bud in the passenger seat. After that it was dealing with the others in the accident, make sure everyone was ok, then back to check on the dogs.
It was a shite day for driving. The car in front indicated very late for his left turn, I braked, the car behind me was on the old tram lines and failed to stop, rear ending me and shunting me forwards into the car in front.
Priorities… dogs, best friend, other humans, vehicles. Then continuing to check on pooches and best friend.
My evening dog walks are often taken through / around the cemetery these days. It’s a peaceful walk, surrounded by the dead, surrounded by the silently majestic trees, with my dogs padding quietly beside me. More peaceful on a damp, grey evening like this one.
As I wandered I wondered if the noise in my head would continue after I’m dead… Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in the afterlife, in heaven, in reincarnation. But I wondered if electric echoes of the constant noise inside my head would continue when I don’t have a head to contain it? It’s an odd thought, to consider my erratic, ever questioning thoughts would continue after I’m gone.
The noise is at a level that I find comfortable… no longer at fever pitch but never silent. I don’t recall a time it was ever silent. My surroundings are finally quiet, which is bound to help with the noise in my head. I’m happy, as happy as I’ve ever allowed myself to be.
So these really are just wonderings as I wander, just grave thoughts.
After tossing from side to side, going over everything that I need to do before moving house, and then going over it all again and again and again… I realised, after what seems an interminable age of struggling up hill head first into a gale force wind, I’ve crested the hill and I’m now hurtling down the other side at breakneck speeds with the wind at my back.
Before finally dozing off (for probably much less than two hours) I wondered if there are too many shades of bat shit in my crazy………
I can tell I’m feeling trapped and powerless by my urge to spend money. I’m thinking of new tattoos or a new laptop. Neither will solve the problem. Either will give me a short term release.
I made the decision to get up at 5.31am instead of the usual 6.03am. I wanted to avoid people, who are invariably going out earlier as the weather gets warmer. But instead of avoiding people I saw more than usual. People walking dogs, people jogging, people cycling… people everywhere!
I pulled up in the car park and let the hounds loose… five of them in total (not all mine, just in case you were wondering!). Just behind us was a chap with a gsd… I hurried to get the pack out of the way, and chose to take a different route over the fields.
I headed straight to the woods, thinking that I could traipse the fields after the woods. Just inside the woods we saw a woman with her dog, and in order to avoid contact I decided to walk the woods widdershins. The woman decided to do the same.
Within minutes all five dogs had disappeared, not unusual in the woods. But they usually bark at squirrels so I know where they are, on this particular day they were all silent. I looked and shouted as I stomped along the path, eventually spotting one of my boys through the trees. I pushed my way through the undergrowth, mindful of the nettles, and headed towards my dog.
All the pack were there… so was a dead deer 😦 They were all nompsing on bits, the younger two managed to pull the main deer into two pieces. One ran off with the top half, the other with the bottom. After lots of coaxing and lead use I managed to get four of five dogs away from the carcass. The fifth dog was nowhere to be seen.
I took the four dogs out into the field (easier said than done, it actually took three attempts!) and sat in the grass calling for the fifth dog. Just as I was about to give up and head back into the woods she appeared… her belly twice it’s usual size.
I eventually arrived back home almost three hours after setting off that morning. And it was all because of the choices I made that morning… going out earlier, choosing a different route, walking widdershins instead of deosil around the woods…
So I joined two online dating sites, just to test the waters. Within seconds of joining I was inundated with messages saying someone liked me, someone wanted to meet me, someone added me to their favourites, someone had messaged me.
I freaked out and haven’t been back since…
… gives you lemons, slice the fuckers up and serve them with gin 🙂
I think I’m going a bit crazier every day as I try to find somewhere to live.
No pets. Only one dog allowed. No DSS. Nothing on the council list, unless my dogs are assistance dogs… I class them as assistance dogs! It feels like I’m blocked no matter which way I turn.
Meanwhile I continue to live in one room in a house with the kitchen falling apart and the bathroom painted cerise to cover up the mould. I continue to live with a woman who is constantly talking or singing while all I want is quiet. I continue to spend my days and nights sitting or laying in bed, watching something on Netflix or playing Fallout 4.
And the noise in my head becomes louder and I want to scream to let it out. But I don’t. Screaming would scare my dogs.
And not even half a bottle!